Chronicles of Ada: The Lying, The Bitch and her Wardrobe

more and more i find myself in weird shit because more often than not i don't think and when i don't i get into instantaneous dispositions so random and spontaneous the thing is when you don't think things just fly by like a breeze that you barely even notice the shifting sands in this life of mine have brought me under circumstances circumstances that have opened myself to people people i presume ive shared deep relationships with because that's what it is right you open yourself to people today and it would probably make an impact tomorrow to some extent that a certain relationship is formed but more and more i feel like im turning into a ghost if you know what i mean that these people i have opened myself up to have just evaporated like sidewalk water on a summer day it's pretty sad that way that i doubt if things were ever real if things actually transpire between me and people or if i'm just imagining

conversation
moments
jokes
touch
flirtation
intimacy
intellect
sentiments
sincerity
vulnerability
hopes
fears




don't go matrix on me world.

so tired.... fuck thesis 

Live life reckless… No rules to live by, no standards to measure up to and most of all, nobody to answer to. This has been my principle ever since I saw the light of day. I guess I just never got around to the point of total submission to something for fear of losing freedom. This thirsty soul is hungry for people to meet, people to love, music to hear, experiences to feel, to the point of being up and open for anything.

But then there comes a point when rational thoughts seep in. We, after all, do not live in a fantasy universe that always mystically ends in fanciful musical numbers, nor are we pixies that just prance around with no care in the world. We live in a universe of causations and responsibilities, and we are bound by the things we do. Actually, it’s more than that.

We ARE what we do. And I’m afraid to say that what I’ve been doing is not something I’m too proud of. For a while, flinging here and there is fun -no commitments, no strings attached, just enjoying the ride and living for the moment. But when you’re not behind the wheel, when you allow yourself to be dragged around in vulnerable decisions, without a thought or care in the world, you have this brewing impatience within you, reverberating repeatedly, asking you –haunting you: where are you going? I thought about this on the ride going home, and it answered a lot of questions.

Because I never know where I’m going, I find myself in car-crashes-waiting-to-happen. I end up in relationships that end just as fast as it started. Where the commitment is just as good as the next road bend, and words and promises are beautifully ephemeral, just like the sceneries passed from the car window. Riding with things and people give me the illusion that I’m actually going somewhere, that I’m actually moving in this life.

I look back and it seems like I’ve been driving in inexorable circles, going round and round, and I’m at the point of total nausea. Yes, nausea. It’s intensely sickening, as much as it is a pathetic state to be in. I find myself coming to full grips, wanting to crawl out by all means, to get out and find some stable ground.

Theo was a ball buster. We had this (rather timely) talk about decisions you take, commitments you make, and how these shape you. What really stuck to me is the fact that there’s a deeper dimension to the acts you do, a deeper truth to your actions. Not knowing a goal, or not knowing what you want for most of the time, or not having real personal convictions (as in my case) reveals a person who doesn’t really know herself, and much worse, a person who doesn’t know where the hell she’s going.

What I’m proud of right now, is the fact that I’ve opened myself to these thoughts. I’m not exactly sure what to do right now… I won’t lie and say that I have completed my spiritual quest and am going to be the queen of kjwan… I’m proud of the fact that I’m not yet there, but I’m getting there… one step at a time with god in mind.

I’d have to be blatant in saying that I saw it coming. I saw this whole ride crashing and burning down before my eyes months ago, and I guess it could only take so long for me to actually get to that fatal point.

But it’s not like I faced this fact with full resignation. I tried my best to save this relationship. I tried so hard to get things going, to try and muster all the traffic commutes to quezon ave., to try and make a decent conversation after a day’s lack of sleep, to always understand, adjust, understand, adjust. Above all other things, the stress of thesis, the After all, this is what I sank my teeth into the moment I committed to this. And I tried and tried for roughly a year.

Nakakapagod din pala. I thought about a lot of things, and considered many others. I thought, maybe it’s the string of circumstances that we got tangled into, a string of bad timings that made me feel such neglect. The more this sentiment brewed inside of me, the more demanding and bitter I got, the more hungry I became for attention and affirmation. I would lack sleep at night, tossing and turning until I could find the possible ‘maybe’ that could lull me to sleep.

I would lack more sleep thinking about all of the memories. There were funny, weird times; countless kulitan moments, checking out people together, watching wrestling (unbelievably so) and a lot of DVD’s, food tripping and bingeing on spicy stuff (more unbelievably so). I’d miss the great times we’d have hanging out with his friends, who in time, seemed like my friends too. I’d miss Tita Bebot, karaoke with his entire clan, loads of dinners and night-outs, Nicole’s bitchiness (figurative and literal), and even Manang. I’d miss the sweetness, the prolonged out of town cellphone calls, the slow dancing, the absurd concern to drink-water-after-getting-wet-with-the-rain-so-you-won’t-get-sick, the slight peck before going down the car… The conversations… I have never connected with anyone that much before. When we were starting out, it almost seemed like it was destiny with all the cosmic connections we’d get.

What I miss the most is the friendship: the friendship that was lost amidst all the expectations and frustrations. I feel that I have met someone that I’ve shared so much with, somebody I could relate to and could totally relate to me. I miss my friend so much, that I’m willing to give up the relationship to still save something out of this.

Kris, I hope you understand and respect my decisions. No goodbyes, only see-you-laters.

UGGGGHHHHHH!!!

i had the worst morning everrrrrrrrrr!!!

1. I woke up frikkin late because i didn't hear the alarm of my celphone.
Boyfriend's text woke me up instead later this morning. i got ready for work as soon as i could and Left as soon as i could. PUCHA, hindi pa nilalabhan yung slacks ko for the whole week.

2. MRT WAS ONE BIG FUCK SLUT
Ang daming tao man!!! NO JOKE. I had to get on the train going to SM North, just to get decent train space.

3. One fucking karpintero who doesn't know the meaning of HAUTE COUTURE and who couldn't keep his comments to himself!
He yelped at the top of his pathetic lungs "uy yung suot ng babae oh, mukhang kabaong." How dare he say that to my fabulous white ruffled satin top!!! grrrr...

4. I DIDN'T GET TO FINISH MY RESEARCH
Stupid lady at Watsons thinks i'm a russian spy of some sort who would threaten the pharmaceutical industry. CHAROT. She wouldn't answer a question, saying something about store visit shit... People at Mercury drug won't agree to an ambush interview, so i pretended to be an investigative journ student who would like to know about drugstore discount cards.

5. I WAS LATE PA... POTAH.
I got to the office and big boss was drilling me about the generic discount stuff. i filled in what was told to me at the mercury drug counter, and apparently, it was all wrong. BARADO ALL THE WAY! KAMUSTA NAMAN???


this is sooooo not my day.

i find this the perfect circumstance to go back to writing because:

a. i am technically unemployed... (wala pa akong OJT... fuckennnn)
b. TV is making me nuts (i've watched more than 5 hours of jack TV/etc)
c. i am eating half the contents of the fridge which all boils down to the fact that
d. i need to keep myself sane

i find myself in a disposition of nothingness. like i could do so much, but then again, i find myself incapacitated to do so.

i wish i were more sure of myself, sure of a direction or a goal of some sort. this floating about makes my head float.

(x) eat at Manang's - forever na toh! love the inihaw
(x) learn the alma mater - is that like a new dance craze???
(x) get on the dean's list - talk about tsamba
(x) sleep on a bench - i think i did, i just can't remember
(x) be a TNT - MUST DO!!!
( ) jog around the campus in the evening - never really got to doin it..
(x) visit the art gallery - love the place, but no dancing allowed inside
( ) know at least one xerox lady, manong, or technician by name - does MT count?
( ) get a Jesuit for a teacher - awww. wala. (scared!!!)
( ) itch from higad bites - lucky me
( ) have gotten an F in something - nope. as i said, lucky me.
(x) have taken a crap in school - hahaha... back when i was dieting...
(x) watch a La Salle vs. Ateneo UAAP game - enough to give me nightmares.
(x) give a powerpoint presentation - this comprises HALF my academic life
(x) study in the caf upstairs - freshman year!!!
(x) watch a T.A play - they always have some isle scene...
( ) sit on the SEC ledge and watch the stars - may ledge sa sec???
( ) eat in Full House, Martha's Kitchen, and Ken Afford - sorry chipaz
(x) sleep in the lib - man... hell week memories
( ) visit Mr. San Andres - WHY?
(x) go to the chapel - to visit nikki castro, to confess.. mabibilang ko lang.
(x) have gotten a pebble stuck in your shoe/slippers in the middle of the quad - i get farmer's feet.
(x) cut class with your block to watch a movie - among other deeds...
(x) sign up for those institutional (i.e. difficult but brilliant) teachers - mr. aguilar is god
(x) go to CERSA night - 2 years in a row.
( ) have tried siomai rice - yaaaaaaak
(?) learn how to smoke - i learned way back pa!!!
( ) fall in love - ang cholengg naman
(x) actually read the book you keep borrowing from the lib - in fairness to me...
(x) play cards during your free time - oh yess, freshie na freshie
(x) dress in business attire - hello miss diyco??? *barfs*
(x) learn to stay awake for more than 24 hours straight - crammer's trademark
( ) have gotten side comments from ASSOC - who cares?
(x) take Saturday classes - manay wendy is love.
( ) go to your immersion - next year pa!
( ) eat Food for After Thought sandwiches - awww... i miss their old place in colayco
(?) get a boyfriend/girlfriend - does a non-Atenean count?
(x) take time to read the vandalism in the CR doors - wala naman masyado.
( ) watch Minsan Lang Sila Bata and Macho Dancer for class - what? haha.
(x) do a last minute paper - WOOHOO, SUKI!!!
(x) have spent a lot for 1x1 ID pictures - resume na toh
(x) get exempted from final exams - Fil 12 with Gilby, Botany
(x) attend a college mass - freshman days...
(x) promise to quit smoking - isang malaking LOL!
( ) play hide-and-seek in the mini-forest - ano to, movie ni Donna Cruz?
(x) know where the best restrooms are on campus - CTC third floor baybeh
(x) join an org - ACOMM love!
(x) allow yourself to make mistakes - allowed, indulged, led myself into... so many, i don't know where to begin.
(x) take summer classes - math junkie
( ) admire the sacred heart statue in the evening - whattt???
(x) make a video for a project - yeppp... comm people pa?
( ) have a crush on a teacher - kadiriiii
( ) attend a Jesuit retreat - nope.
( ) have gotten a parking ticket - neverrrrrrrr
(x) come to school in your crappiest yet most comfy clothes - more like fashion faux pas... kadiri when i remember it.
(x) learn how to use the Bayantel pay phones - it's not exactly rocket science...
(x) participate in school activities - orsem counts, right? and voting?
( ) catch the Blue Babble Battalion tryouts - ooohhh.. JUICY! i should try that.
(x) ride a tricycle on campus - oo naman.
(x) find a tambayan - pub room, som mall, lahat na.
( ) admire the marikina valley at night - CHEEZY HA!
(x) go drinking along Katipunan - wahahhaa... meatshop counts right?
( ) learn how to beg for a higher grade - yikes. desperation na toh
(x) use your cuts wisely - gawain ko yan nung first year, pero ngayon hindi na masyado..
(x) volunteer to be class beadle - kamustah?
(x) had the worst lottery schedule for reg - 500s twice in a row!
(x) admire the trees on campus - i love the acacias.
( ) have forgotten about your freecut and gone to that class - I ALWAYS remember freecuts.
(x) eat in the ISO canteen - love the tuna sisig
(x) be active in your org - org love
( ) have signed up on an ACP class just because the girl or guy u like signed up for it - YUUUUUUUUUCK!!! who did this??? lol.
( ) get as many app forms as you can during the job fair - grabe ha...
(x) learn how to cram - cram, multi-task. with diyco, it's all possible.
( ) sell tickets (or watch) an org-sponsored movie premiere - movie? baduy ha. party, oo.
(x) save money to Xerox all of your seatmate's notes - seatmate, blockmate, lahat na especially this sem
( ) have accidentally seen a make-out session - awa ng diyos, hindi pa
(x) check out the Meron Lagoon and Lambingan Bridge - nung first year
( ) have dozed off in class - hahah... minsan sa philo, madalas sa theo.
(x) learn how to work with groupmates from hell - OMG! the story of my life! if only i could just name names... the rants i make about those hell groupmates are enough to make them die of bloody tongues.
(x) perfect the art of parking on campus - pati pag-agaw ng parking.
(x) had a bad encounter with one of the guards on campus - ayaw ako ipapark??? tangena!!!!!!!!!!
(x) develop a love for sisig - shettt...
(x) learn how to pronounce AEGIS properly - eeeeeeeejish...
(x) have used typing rooms at the library - out of desperation, yeah!
(x) have reserved a classroom, AVR, etc. for a class or org function - napaka-freshie naman ng gawaing yan.
( ) have asked the library for an endorsement to research in other libraries - MAGIS?? kamusta??
( ) have lost a perfectly functioning umbrella - nah...
(x) have used consultation hours properly - miss thomas...
(x) Looked forward to lab breakage refund, in case you didn't break any equipment - pocket funds na toh...
(x) visit the Guidance Office - once pa lang! waha...
(x) and Infirmary - to sleep. lol.

There's this girl that i hate so much. I mean, i'm not washing my hands when it comes to BEING IRRESPONSIBLE, but i make sure that i DO MY PART IN THE END. What i totally hate about her, is that she's so fucking lame. eve lethargic. The type who'd always cancel for godknowswhat and could find whatever reason to justify her absence - going to the extent of pissing me more when SHE BLAMES HER IRRESPONSIBILITY ON OTHERWISE RESPONSIBLE PEOPLE.

(She annoys the hell out of everybody else too, so i'm sure i'm pretty sane about this.)

WAKE UP PRINCESS, THIS IS THE REAL WORLD. THE UNIVERSE EXTENDS PAST THE COMFORTS OF YOUR SUBDIVISION. AND THE WORLD DOESN'T STOP SPINNING WHEN YOUR DRIVER ISN'T AROUND. THERE IS SUCH A THING AS A TAXI, AND PUBLIC TRANSPORT. OH, AND IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T TAUGHT YOU ANYTHING IN THAT CAVE YOU'RE LIVING IN, THERE'S SUCH A THING AS EFFORT AND DELICADEZA.

Please do us all a favor and die sometime soon. Sige na abril.

it's been six years since edsa dos,
a year since the wowowee tragedY
and it's been a year since i took 2nd year psychology.
in a year, i'll be graduating,
and maybe in 5-7 more, i'd be married.
and in a decade, this country will still pay for international debt.

good morning...